Invantage Advising

Category: Women Leaders

A Primer on Power for Women Leaders

Power has a bad rap. It’s okay to talk about how to be a good leader, but most of us are quite uncomfortable talking about how to use power. More often for women than men, the squirmy feeling evoked by the idea of using power can be close to agonizing.

Power is usually tagged as negative, manipulative or Machiavellian.[1] The exercise of power is actually morally neutral—it can be used for good or ill. Absolute power is of course undesirable—we all need the checks and balances that being part of various intersecting human communities provide.

But, to be a successful leader you have to be comfortable with the exercise of power. Achieving this comfort is a crucial developmental step for every leader. In my own experience as a woman leader, in working with and mentoring other women in or assuming leadership positions, I have observed that most women leaders, even the most competent and brilliant, usually need some help with this leap.

So what is power, if we separate it from its negative associations of control, domination and oppression?

According to the Oxford dictionary, power is 1 The ability or capacity to do something or act in a particular way. 2 The capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events.[2]

A leader possesses power because she has, by virtue of her position and personal strengths, the resources and capacity to act and to direct the behavior of others. Competence, luck, popularity or a host of other factors may have contributed to gaining that position. Many women express being surprised to find themselves in leadership positions, and typically have given no thought to the exercise of power. But once in a position of leadership, however you got there, however surprised you may be to be there, you need to appreciate the ways you can and should exercise the power inherent in the position. That’s your job. That’s what you were elected or hired to do, and you can’t shy away from it without betraying out those who are counting on you.

Women leaders face complex internal and external psychological challenges that male leaders don’t have to worry about. It’s not fair, but it’s real and it’s better to acknowledge these challenges and learn how to deal with them than to get stuck on the unfairness of it all. Essentially, women leaders are in a double bind. Effective leaders of any gender score highly on a cluster of traits psychologists call “agency”. Effective leadership in fact requires that a leader possesses these traits. Agency includes things like being independent, assertive, dominant, controlling, forceful and self-confident. Leaders high in agency makes decisions easily. Yet even today, women are generally perceived to be and expected to be high in another cluster of traits psychologists call “communality”: kindness, niceness, interpersonally sensitive, helpful affectionate etc.[3]

Interestingly, the current movement in management to promote hiring practices that acknowledge the value of “soft skills”– interpersonal sensitivity and the ability to collaborate– in hiring may lead to more female hires, but may also trap women in middle management jobs, because to wield power, to be at the top, the agency cluster of traits is required.[4]

Some researchers believe the tendency for women to show communal traits is typical of the female brain, tied to the XX chromosome.[5] Others would argue vehemently that are the product of socialization and stereotyping. Many would say this is unfair, prejudiced and sexist. Unfortunately for the women leader, determined to use the power of her position to accomplish her goals, none of this matters.

I remember when I took over the presidency of a national professional association. I had worked out my agenda well in advance of taking office. I had a bunch of specific goals, I knew where I wanted to go and I believed I knew what had to be done. I had a forthright, let’s get it done style, and was impatient with those who disagreed with me. I was not especially interested in their opinions unless I saw them as helping me create the changes I knew I wanted. Not surprisingly, this bothered a number of my colleagues enormously. I remember being told by one former friend that he was shocked – it was like I had become a different person. A subset of mostly male colleagues criticized me publicly for being secretive and withholding, and viewed my presidency as one long betrayal. I thought it was because I wasn’t that interested in their advice or their hurt feelings. It’s true, I wasn’t. I learned I am not a consensus builder. I am too impatient and eager to get things accomplished to kick ideas around in repeated discussions. I liked working with one or two close allies who saw things the way I did and wanted to move the organization along. In retrospect, I might have been a more effective leader if I had made an effort to be a bit more “communal”—read tactful and patient– but at the time I simply wanted to act, not attend to interpersonal nuance.

Women leaders need to learn to “thread the needle”. They must be high in “agency” traits. They will be viewed more unfavorably than equivalent male colleagues exhibiting the exact same behaviors. The men will be seen as reliable, confident and masterful, while the woman may often be seen as bitchy and cold.

Powerful women have to strike a very fine balance. They must be authoritative, self confident and powerful. Although one option is to accept that they’ll be calling you a bitch behind your back, another, more exciting option is to develop a style that is very powerful but disarmingly warm and respectful. Senator Elizabeth Warren and Meryl Streep are two women who brilliantly present themselves in this manner. So too does the Statue of Liberty.

[1] See, for example, The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. (NY: Penguin Books, 2000).

[2] (https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/power)

[3] See “Role Incongruity Theory of Prejudice Toward Female Leaders”, Alice H. Eagly and Steven J. Karau, Psychological Review, 2002, Vol 109 No 3: 573-598 and “Feminized Management and Backlash Toward Agentic Women Leaders” The hidden costs to women of kindler, gentler image of middle mangers”. Laurie A. Rudman and Peter Glick. J. of Personality and Social Psychology. 1999, Vol 77, No 5:1004-1010

[4] Rudman and Glick, ibid.

[5] See “The Female and Extreme-Female Brain”, John Cookson. January 4, 2017. Big Think. http://bigthink.com/women-and-power/the-female-and-extreme-female-brain

Prudence Gourguechon MD

copyright 2017

February 28, 2017
Getting Comfortable with Power: Ten Tips for Women Leaders
Women leaders get a little squirmy when it comes to the idea of wielding power. But getting comfortable with power and using it confidently is an essential part of being an effective leader. Like it or not, all women leaders are in a bind because great leadership requires a high degree of agency–independence, forcefulness, ease of decision-making, dominance. Yet gender norms still expect women to be communal– nice, interpersonally sensitive, collaborative. Managing these conflicting demands is a career-long challenge for women leaders. Meanwhile, though, you have to learn how to appreciate and use the power you have. Here are ten tips. Some of them are counterintuitive, and some will make you uncomfortable.

1.Learn the topography of power

Where does it live? It is valuable to operationalize power—break it down into the concrete actions and strategies where it resides. Among the myriad opportunities to exercise power in a leadership position are: directing the use of resources, setting the agenda of meetings, decide who is included in and who is excluded from communications, highlighting what you want people to pay attention to, ignoring what you want ignored, and selecting and removing personnel.

2. Know and defend your own agenda

Ideally, you should carve this in stone before you get in your position, or at least as a first priority. What do you want to accomplish with your power? You will

immediately be bombarded with “other peoples agendas” or their problems. Your time can be entirely consumed if you’re not vigilant about avoiding a responsive, reactive rather than proactive position. The reason this tends to be more of a problem for women is that due to some combination of biology and socialization, women tend to be more adept at automatically scanning the environment and registering peoples’ needs and feelings. This strength is a mixed blessing. You MUST know what your agenda is and your priorities are both in the long run and on a daily and monthly basis, or you will never get to make use of the power you have. Do not let other people’s problems and priorities divert you from your own.

3. Be alert to and revise your communication style
- Don’t apologize for making other people unhappy.
- Don’t apologize for making a decision.
- Don’t apologize for not including someone in a conversation or decision.
- Say no or ignore everything that doesn’t advance your agenda (take a look at Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism published by Crown Business, 2014).
- Don’t apologize for anything unless you have actually done something wrong that you should apologize for– like a genuine mistake, oversight or unkind act. Then apologize quickly, cleanly and acknowledge the impact of your mistake. And move on.
- Don’t explain your decisions. Or if you must, keep it very brief.
- Repeat yourself when challenged rather than offering alternative arguments.
- End discussions when they’re not going the way you want.
- Don’t ask for permission. Go for what you want, and if you’re stopped, so be it. It rarely happens.
- Only ask for opinions if you really want them. Don’t seek too much input.
- Don’t worry too much about social niceties—if someone is hard to reach, leave a voicemail or text; don’t wait until you get in touch with them. But be nice if you can.
4. Keep control of structures and processes

Set things up your way. If you want 6 people on a task force, get 6 people on the task force even though one of the group suggests 10.
- Beware of the seductive c’s: COLLABORATION and CONSENSUS. Women are supposed to better than men at making use of these values. Maybe we are, but overuse can lead to perceived weakness, bullying and paralysis. Learn to live without consensus when you have to.
- Anticipate, anticipate, anticipate. Think through how people are going to respond when you roll out a plan. Plant allies in place to back you up, and have an exit strategy in case opposition takes over the process. If you don’t have enough support to push something through or avoid a controversy, consider waiting to put it out there, because failing weakens your power.
- Know when to quit. Keep asking yourself what am I getting out of this. If you’re not getting a lot, figure out how to get more (money, opportunities, fun, stimulation, experience). If it’s hopeless, just get out.
- Keep your promises and commitments, but within reason. Not if the cost for you is too high. If it is, bow out, or say you changed your mind. Sorry.
- Let people come to you. Your neighborhood, your office, your available time. Even if you can accommodate, resist the urge, because most women do it way too much.
- Never give up the chair either physically or metaphorically (i.e. control of a meeting, a microphone, an agenda, a project).
5. Learn to seek, get and use help

Learn to use an assistant, which may not be so easy as it sounds. Find a private peer group with women at the same level of responsibility that you have.

6. Don’t wait too long to accept positions of leadership and power

Men don’t. Don’t underestimate your competence. If people want you to lead, accept the challenge if it’s a good time for you. And learn what you need to catch up. On the other hand, don’t let your competence be exploited. Many extremely talented women are unaware of the extraordinary level of their competence. They are used by others in various ways (though this can be unconscious)—for example, put in a leadership position when an organization is in crisis. Wait until it’s a good time for you to move your agenda forward. Watch out for flattery.

7. Never underestimate the aggression in women and envy in everyone

Women are just as aggressive as men, but their competitiveness and aggressiveness shows up in different ways, many of which are subtler. This point is going to make some people mad, but I truly believe it. I’ve seen it often in my clinical practice over three decades. Expect envy and undermining from some women, outrage from some men.

8. Be aware of the “Mom transference”

The most powerful person in every single human’s life was his or her mother. We all carry ambivalent unconscious feelings and fantasies about this omnipotent woman who once controlled our lives from the moment we woke up till our last diaper change. We tend to unconsciously attach these feelings to leaders and bosses we deal with later in life (that’s the “transference” part, a remarkable useful concept from psycyhoanaysis). The people in your company or organization are inevitably going to experience you with traces of this early omnipotent mother overlay. You want to evoke positive emotional traces—be someone who keeps people safe, meets their needs, runs a reliable “home”. And avoid acting in ways that evoke unconscious traces of the negative mother memories—don’t use language (or finger pointing) that triggers feelings of shame or helplessness.

9. Prepare to be attacked and criticized unfairly

From the moment you enter a position of power, you’ll be a target held responsible for everyone’s hopes, demands and disappointments. You can’t meet all these needs, so you will be attacked from time to time. When this happens, it’s inevitable to feel hurt, and a little psychologically disorganized, so get help from a trusted advisor about whether or how to respond.

10. Use knowledge you may have because you are a woman to your advantage

For instance, women are more apt to understand that:
- It’s not a bad idea to feed your people from time to time. For the eternal child inside us all, food equals being cared about. Free food sends a direct signal to our unconscious that someone is in charge and has our backs. Also, hungry people are cranky people.
- No one ever wants to be humiliated. You can structure your actions and difficult decisions in ways to minimize humiliation in the people effected.
- What everyone wants more than anything else is attention and acknowledgement. Build this in to your company, your meetings, everything you do.
copyright Invantage Advising 2017

Updated 8.2.17
February 2, 2017
Preventive Medicine for Family Firms Facing Predictable Stress Points
Predictable events in the life cycles of families, businesses and individuals lead to predictable psychological reactions. Foreknowledge of likely psychological fallout from major events and transitions can go a long way to prevent negative outcomes. Of course every person and family enterprise is unique, and there is some variation in reactions to major changes. But these variations occur in a matrix whose boundaries are in fact knowable. Examples of inevitable events in the life cycle of a family enterprise include:
- Succession (in the business or philanthropic activities),
- Critical career choices faced by individuals in the family (and these have unique characteristics depending on whether they are in early, mid or later in work life).
- Accession to or loss of a position of power and control
- Events leading to two or more “classes” of family members
Both individual and group psychological reactions need to be understood—both are complex and important. Most often, these psychological phenomena are at least in part unconscious. And unconscious psychological phenomena can wreck havoc—leading to bickering factions, ill-advised decisions, and resistance to necessary change.

The good news is that we can identify events likely to occur in every family enterprise and accurately predict the psychological stress points that will accompany them, including likely unconscious fantasies, feelings and fears. Knowledge and anticipation of expected psychological undercurrents allow a family enterprise to take preventive measures, avoiding much of the fallout that an unexamined event might cause.

It’s a three step process: first, anticipate stress points in the lifecycle of the family and of its individual members. Second, share knowledge about the psychological stresses that are likely to accompany each particular stress point. And third, encourage individuals and the family to take specific preventive measures designed to manage the psychology of the event or transition.

This approach makes some people uncomfortable because it goes against a wish to “hope for the best,” “sweep things under the rug,” or a simply avoid negative, unpleasant, conflictual conversations. But the best prevention is bringing the potential emotional pain to light, where it can be looked at and discussed. Sometimes open acknowledgement and discussion is sufficient to prevent a problem from arising. In other situations, open discussion allows for proactive and protective measures to be taken. For family enterprises, the strength of the family’s commitment to its members can be a particular asset.

Here are some examples of inevitable life cycle stress points where the individual and group psychological reactions can be predicted and ameliorated by a conscious proactive process within the family:
1. A woman in the family takes over a position of power. Both she and the family have to understand the special challenges faced by women in power and the reactions in those they seek to lead.
2. The classic “mid life crisis”. Many individuals involved in the family enterprise will face a period of restlessness and questioning roughly between age 40 and 45. Although something of a cartoon cliché, the midlife crisis is actually far from a joke. At about age 40, the decisions about work and relationships made in one’s twenties and early thirties have borne fruit — or not. There is a clear path you’ve taken, and not infrequently a panicky questioning about what this means—“Is this the life I really want?” There is a positive potential to correct course or renew commitments. And a negative potential for flailing around, impulsively ending marriages or making unwise business decisions out of a need to do something, anything to alleviate the restless questioning.
3. The challenge faced by leaders in their mid 60’s to age 70, a life phase I call “starting older”—goals have been met, and succession may be in order. But these transitions are difficult both for the leader who is loathe to let go and the generation eager (but perhaps frightened) to step up.
4. Families face various circumstances that create two (or more) classes of members—those who work win the business and those who don’t, blood relations versus marrying-in, etc. Any time there is a division that creates an in-group and an out-group there is inevitable psychological “regression”. The term psychological regression refers to a situation where significant stress causes a group or individual to lose its best level of functioning—in such a state the group or person’s decisions are less rational and more emotion driven and impulsive, and certain bad but very human behaviors and attitudes are more likely to emerge. For example, when an in-group/out-group situation occurs, the regression leads to risk of blaming, shame, contempt and alienation. Open discussion and psychological inoculation can go a long way to preventing these regressive and destructive forces
A preventative approach can help avoid the trouble that can come when these stress points are not acknowledged, examined and discussed by the family or the individuals within it.
October 8, 2016
Everybody’s Mother: What Hillary Clinton and Other Women in Power Need to Know About the Unconscious

I published this essay in Huffington Post last February. I think it is still relevant in September 2016–maybe more so than ever. A companion piece is Trump’s Big Daddy Lie. Both posts refer to the unconscious processes that effect a politician’s popularity and how these can be overcome or positively deployed.

***

That pesky mother issue keeps cropping up in our collective political life—and will always dog Hillary Clinton’s heels, as well as those of any woman who dares to seek a position of political power. Doesn’t it seem that Hillary Clinton can’t catch a break? Years ago she got in trouble for saying she was going to work and not stay home and bake cookies (too tough). Then she gets in trouble for tolerating Bill’s behavior—shouldn’t she have thrown him out on his ear (not tough enough)? Her interest in children’s welfare was seen, some years ago, as not sufficiently weighty (not tough enough). Now she is considered too much a part of the (male-ish) power establishment (too tough).

You can’t understand why Hillary Clinton always seems to be, well, dissatisfying to many voters without understanding a fundamental psychoanalytic concept-a phenomenon called transference, and particularly the biggie, the mother transference.

I’ve been watching Hillary for years, and she is always accused of one of two sins—being too strong or not strong enough. This happens to all women leaders. The more power you have, the more visible you are, the higher the pitch of criticism. Understanding how the mother transference works in politics can provide lessons for the Clinton campaign and generations of women leaders to come.

Transference refers to very strong feelings, hopes, fantasies and fears we have in relation to the important adults of our childhood that carry forward, unconsciously, into present day relationships.

Doctors, professors, lawyers, clergy and politicians – male and female – are the recipients of strong transferences.

Female teachers, caretakers and leaders are likely targets for what we call “mother transferences.”

At the point where power politics and the psychic world of transference intersect, men have a distinct advantage. We like idealizing a powerful man and fantasize that by attaching our fates to his, we are somehow safer, wiser and more powerful ourselves.

Communicating a positive, evocative image about leadership and power is far more complicated when it comes to women leaders. Here’s one reason why: the most profound experience of power any of us have in our lives is the infinitely powerful mother of early childhood. The dirty secret in our psyches is that if you dig deep enough you discover a hidden feeling that women are actually not soft, nurturing and emotional, but all-powerful and not so nice.

The universal “omnipotent mother” of early childhood had power and control over every aspect of our lives: whether or not our needs are met, whether our communications are understood, whether our development is supported or thwarted.

As a result, we humans are deeply ambivalent towards women in power. A powerful woman tends not to exert an automatic pull of attraction like a powerful man, but rather wariness at best or even repulsion.

We are reluctant to move toward a powerful woman who reminds us of the negative side of a mother experienced as nagging, restricting, shaming or controlling.

Even without personally exhibiting these traits, a woman in power is at risk of being repellant merely by her power itself evoking these negative expectations.

Back in 2008, during the Ohio primary campaign, Hillary said, in one of her speeches, “Shame on you, Barack Obama,” It didn’t come across as tough and assertive. Instead, she elicited echoes of the shaming, mocking parent we may have had, or feared having. You can’t win adherents by reminding them of their mother’s ability to make them feel bad. No one is going to feel attracted to the maternal figure in active shaming, criticizing mode.

Here’s another problem a woman candidate for high office faces—some images of power that evoke strong positive associations when it comes to a male leader just don’t work so well for a woman.

Everyone loves a fighter, right? Especially if they’re fighting for me? A powerful man is going to fight for us — that carries promise and excites loyalty. A powerful woman fighting for us is an image that simply doesn’t resonate. Our hearts just don’t thrum to the image of a woman fighting. It’s not fair. It’s sexist. But it is true.

“Fighting For Us” is one of the Clinton campaign’s key slogans. “I will stand up and fight for you. I will get up every single day and keep fighting for the kind of America we want,” Clinton said during the Iowa campaign. And after the New Hampshire defeat, she posted on Twitter: “It’s not whether you get knocked down that matters, it’s whether you get back up.”

I think Hillary the Fighter leaves people cold—or a little out of sorts. Because she’s a woman. As I said it’s not fair.

What messages would work better? In addition to avoiding negative echoes of a nagging or controlling mother, Clinton and her campaign have to search for positive images of female power that don’t carry that frisson of unease that a Female Fighter does.

I’ll protect you. I’ll keep you safe. I’ll make sure you have what you need. I’ll look out for you when no one else does. The mother bear, the mother lion. These themes and images evoke a positive feeling and no dissonance.

Speaking in Flint on February 7, Clinton said, “Do not grow weary doing good. Do not get discouraged. Do not give up”. And speaking about his wife on February 1, Bill Clinton said, “She always makes good things happen.” Wow. These messages work. Support, encouragement, belief in us, inspiration, making good things happen. That’s female power at its best.

At other times in her career, Mrs. Clinton has demonstrated a remarkable power to evoke images of positive female power. Her book It Takes a Village is one example. What does that title convey, psychologically? We women take care of our people; we will protect and nurture you so you can live a good life.

Another image she deployed in 2008 magnificently captured positive and distinctly female power. In a speech on the night of the Super Tuesday primaries, she evoked the image of the Statue of Liberty, quoting Emma Lazarus’ poem, and then inviting the people to come to her with their problems and needs. It was perfect. She nailed the transference problem. She found a way to be both a powerful woman and infinitely appealing.

Lady Liberty is the perfect image for an enormously strong and powerful woman that is at the same time positively maternal and nurturing.

Fair or not, women in leadership have to be particularly smart in understanding and managing the transferences that will inevitably come their way.

Women with power must be careful to avoid evoking in the voter (or their subordinates in a company) the buried experience of the nagging, shaming, disappointed and entitled mother.

They must look for images like the Statue of Liberty or the village of women that protects and nurtures, evoking positive and distinctly female power. These images and themes will touch the voters in a way only a woman can.

Follow Dr. Prudence L. Gourguechon on Twitter: www.twitter.com/pgourguechon

September 20, 2016
Trump’s Misogynistic Pantheon of Female Archetypes

With this week’s flurry of Trump campaign/Fox news speculations that Hillary Clinton is sick or sleepy, and Donald Trump’s tweet that MSNBC morning co-host Mika Brzezinski is neurotic (right after his campaign manager said he was done with personal attacks, too!) Donald Trump has nearly completed filling out a metaphorical bingo card of every malicious trope about women that has cropped up since the beginning of time, especially when men are insecure or scared of women.

I have to admit there a few negative female archetypes I can think of that haven’t yet made their way onto the Hannity show or Trump’s Twitter feed. So he can’t say “Bingo” quite yet. Each of these demeaning or frightening images of women has a long history in mythology, literature, art, and in the thinking of people across time. There are still 76 days left in the campaign, so maybe he or his minions will be able to fill the whole card.

Here’s the list of negative female stereotypes Trump has called forward so far:

The Old Crone (somewhat magical and scary) and…

The Physically and Mentally Weak Woman

Both of these frightening and dismissive visions of scary women are evoked in the current conspiracy theory that Hillary is sick. She allegedly had a seizure at a donut shop. She is absent, sleeping all the time. She couldn’t walk up a couple of stairs. You look at her on the campaign trail day after day, vibrant and healthy and with unbending energy, unfailing attention. How in the world could a fantasy of her as sick or weak take hold? Because these are mental constructs that people carry around in their unconscious, and they rise to the surface in times of threat.

The Undesirable Outcast (not worthy of a man’s sexual attention)

Megan Kelly famously summed it up when she questioned Trump in the first Republican primary debate: “You’ve called women you don’t like ‘fat pigs,’ ‘dogs,’ ‘slobs,’ and ‘disgusting animals.’ Does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president?”

Trump: “What I say is what I say. And honestly, Megyn, if you don’t like it, I’m sorry, I’ve been very nice to you, although I could probably maybe not be, based on the way you have treated me. But I wouldn’t do that to you.”

The Hysteric Neurotic Mess

Mika Brzezinski apparently upset Mr. Trump and he deploys two other “bad woman”cliches to attack her. She’s clearly beautiful, so he can’t put her in the undesirable category. First, she must be neurotic, a label (interchanged with hysteric) that has been used against women when they are not pleasing for ages:

Trying to undermine Brzezinski’s stature further, Trump calls her “Joe’s girlfriend” in a follow up tweet, reducing her to another man’s possession rather than a force in her own right.

The beautiful object, or as Trump puts it, “a beautiful piece of ass”

Just a few sample quotes from Mr. Trump, all of which are now painfully familiar.

“You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” — from an interview with Esquire, 1991

“I mean, we could say politically correct that look doesn’t matter, but the look obviously matters,” Trump said to a female reporter in a clip featured on “Last Week Tonight.” “Like you wouldn’t have your job if you weren’t beautiful.” (John Oliver on Miss America Pageant September 2014)

And most cringe-worthy of all, on The View (March 2006) Trump, speculates about his daughter, “Although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps, I would be dating her.”

The Bitch

This is pretty much every woman who manages to make him look bad.

The Overwhelming Terrifying Biological mystery

Trump’s infamous Megyn Kelly Tweet combines elements of the bitch and the terrible biological mystery:

The Roots of Mysogyny- Fear of Women’s Strength and Power

I’ve written elsewhere that you can’t understand Hillary’s Clinton’s difficulties with “popularity” or the common negative reactions to women in positions of power without understanding a fundamental psychoanalytic concept-a phenomenon called transference, and particularly, the mother transference.

Let me explain the two parts of the concept, “mother transference”. Transference refers to the very strong fears, desires and fantasies we originally feel towards the important people in our early lives. It’s a universal feature of human psychology that we carry these forward into adulthood and at times lay them down, like a transparency, onto present day relationships, both personal and public. So our vision of the person in the present day is partly who they really are and partly shaped by these transference overlays created by our emotional experiences of figures in our past.

So, what’s special about the mother transference? For the sake of brevity, I’m going to use the typical family constellation, where the mother is the predominant figure in early child rearing. Think about what power this gives her. The mother of our infancy is about as an omnipotent figure as one could construct. She determines when and what we eat, when we rest, when we get what we want and when we are thwarted. She allows others into our world or has the power to keep them out. Her responses to us carve deep and lasting mental circuits —if she is erratic we may fear inconstancy for the rest of our lives; if she shames us in our infant helplessness, our sense of self may be permanently injured. If her face lights up when she sees us we are on our way to developing a permanent feeling that the world is fundamentally a good place and and we have a good foundation in it. Depending on your temperament and how your early life goes, your “maternal transference” may be predominantly negative or predominantly positive. If it is mainly negative, then you are inclined to see powerful women as threatening or dangerous. If it is mainly positive, a powerful woman is a beacon of hope (think Lady Liberty).

Tyrant or benevolent caregiver, the mother of our childhood is omnipotent, and that creates a permanent uneasiness. Then, later in life, when we encounter a powerful woman, these early fantasies and fears related to omnipotent women can be aroused. And that’s the root of misogyny and all sorts of hostile and demeaning images of women.

I’ve always felt that the old idea of women as the “weaker sex’ is pure wishful thinking. Guess what—I discovered that Donald Trump agrees with me! In The Art of the Comeback, he wrote

“Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression ‘the weaker sex’ was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part.”

Many of the memes of misogyny are responses to the underlying unconscious fear that powerful women induce. The common underlying fear is that she will once again make me feel small and helpless. I will once again be subject to her power.

Women in positions of leadership—in business, politics or any other sphere— need to understand the negative maternal transference, learn to tolerate the hostility it often gives birth to, and strategize how to tap into a positive maternal transference. Evoke the unconscious image of the strong woman who sacrificed everything, understood me and knew how to meet my needs. This is a topic for another time. Today, I’m in the land of witches and bitches.

____

Here are three classic negative female archetypes Trump has, to my knowledge yet to invoke. Let’s see if he manages to cover the entire field of misogynistic mythology by election day.

The Child Stealing Witch—(e.g. Adam’s first wife, Lilith)

Women who Shun Men—(e.g. Amazons)

The Woman who Manipulates Men by Withholding Sex—(e.g. Lysistrata)

August 24, 2016